hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
