i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
