Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
