the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
