she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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