Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
