god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Houston, we have a squirter
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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