Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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