where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
