she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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