I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Randomize
