ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
