Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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