Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
