My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
