i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
