he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
