what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
