The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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