I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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