I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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