my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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