Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
