Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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