just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
