So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
