i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
