The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
