Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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