I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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