Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
