do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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