I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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