dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
