You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
