I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
