connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
