so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
