I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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