UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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