He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
im on a boat
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