Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
