so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
