Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
