Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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