Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
