Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
