My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
