Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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