Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's always time for handjobs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
